GARFIELD: EDGE OF THE WORLD
by MechanicCave
Summary: A stupid story I wrote because I was bored. Rated M for constant swearing and general insanity. Read and Review!
1. The House

GARFIELD: EDGE OF THE WORLD

 _Authors note: I did this because I was bored and wanted to make a quick joke. This story starts out normal but then rapidly turns surreal, then ridiculous. You have been warned._

During the early hours of dawn, Garfield the cat was taking a nap in his cardboard box bed thing. "Why can't Jon get me an actual bed?" he thought to himself, feeling for Pookie, his favorite teddy bear. Suddenly, his head cracked up in horrific realization. Pookie… WAS GONE! Garfield instantly flew into a violent rage. "YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR JON!" he screamed. He ran into Jon's room and started clawing his owner's face. "Wha… what the…? GARFIELD!" Jon yelled, waking up. "YOU. TOOK. POOKIE. FROM. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Garfield screeched like a bird getting strangled. Every word he said made him land another claw at Jon's face.

Jon pushed Garfield off the bed. "Bad cat!" Jon shouted, as Garfield started clawing at his leg. "What the heck is wrong with you?!" Jon started kicking at his pet, which was clinging to his leg like glue, but it was no use. Every time Jon kicked, it hurt his leg more than it hurt Garfield's face. "GET OFF ME YOU STUPID CAT!" yelled Jon. He finally managed to fling Garfield off, knocking him unconscious. Meanwhile, Odie the dog, who had awoken because of all the commotion, yapped playfully to Jon, as usual oblivious to everything.

"Does he have cat rabies or something?" asked Jon to himself, searching the computer. As he was surfing the web, Odie bounced over to Garfield and licked his face. That was what Garfield needed to wake up from his stupor. "Urgh… What happened?" he mumbled to himself. Then he saw Jon. And put 2 and 2 together to make 5. Idiot… Pookie… Stolen… Bed… Idiot… Pookie… Stolen… Bed… Idiot… Stole… Pookie… From the BED! Garfield flew into a rage again, and yowled so loud that it made Odie and Jon jump. "Oh crap…" groaned Jon. "JON YOU STOLE POOKIE! I'M GOING TO KILL YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" screeched Garfield. Jon ran out the door with Odie following behind.

"Hi I need Animal Control, my cat's gone wild! Here is the address…" Jon spoke rapidly on his mobile phone, and minutes later, a van arrived with two men holding poles with nets around them. "Thank goodness you're here!" Jon cried, running towards them as Garfield snorted after him like a charging bull. "Easy sir we'll take it from here!" said one of the men calmly. Garfield's rage affected mind put 2 and 2 together to make 5 again. "POOKIE MUST BE IN THAT VAN! THEY'RE ABOUT TO TAKE HIM AWAYYYY!" he thought rapidly. He leaped onto one of the men's shirts and tore it open like scratching the curtains. The two men swung with their poles but Garfield dodged them and started tearing at the van.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	2. The City

"What the heck is he doing?" Jon asked. The two men from Animal Control were attempting to catch him in their nets, but they didn't hold him for long. Garfield managed to smash into the van and accidently hit the joystick and set the car into neutral. The van rolled backwards down the hill, picking up speed before crashing into a neighboring house, unfortunately hitting a gas pipe and causing a massive explosion that ripped through the van and sent Garfield flying out and landing on the front porch. "OH SHIT!" screamed Jon, "GARFIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELD!" he ran down the hill, with the two men running behind.

"GARFIELD!" yelled Jon. "SPEAK TO MEEE!" he sobbed pitifully, hugging the morbidly obese cat to his chest. Garfield started to stir. "HE'S ALIVE!" cried Jon. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAA-" he shouted before was cut off by Garfield immediately going into his rage and slicing at his shirt. "SHIT!" Jon shouted before punching Garfield's face as the orange fur-ball of utter fury screeched and somehow dismembered Jon's arm. Jon screamed and ran to the two men, who called an Ambulance as well as the police.

Soon, the ruined house was surrounded. The police officers threw nets at the cat, but Garfield sliced through all of them. Jumping at the huge group of onlookers, he clawed and cut his way to freedom, before crashing into an unfortunate police-man's car. He fell onto the accelerator pedal and drove in the direction of the city, at the same time accidently triggering a shotgun in the car and killing an unfortunate arrested murderer who just happened to be in the car. The car zoomed across the city, heading toward the nuclear power plant that was conveniently being built. "If he hits the reactor, everything in a 50 mile radius is doomed!" shouted a police officer. "Drive after him boys!" shouted the police chief.

The cars screeched after the rogue police vehicle but none of them could shoot. The city was heavily populated, and anyone could be hit. Soon, Garfield's car drove into the nuclear plant, and hit the reactor at top speed. Fortunately, it wasn't hard enough to cause an explosion. Unfortunately, it was hard enough to send the reactor, and the car, over the cliff and into the ocean that the power plant was situated on.

All the fish instantly died due to the now-toxic waters and many fishermen lost their jobs that day. Or they would have, if things had played out normally. BUT WHO SAID THIS WAS A NORMAL STORY?  
Rising from the deep, an unimaginable gigantic horror burst from the water and roared, with its breath smelling strongly of Italian food. It was SUPER MEGA ULTRA SAYAIN SIX HUNDRED MILLION AND TWO GARFZILLA ILLOGICAL FORM! Garfzilla burped, sending out a wave of atomic breath and destroying everything 100 miles in front of him. Those surviving the blast heard the terrible words accompanying his roar. " **WHERE IS POOKIE? GIVE HIM TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!** "

Jon, somehow surviving, appeared magically in a helicopter with a megaphone. "GARFIEEEEEEELD!" he screamed. "SHRINK DOWN THIS MINUTE OR NO LASAGNA TONIGHT!" Garfield punched the helicopter, making it burst into flames and hit the water before exploding. " **NOW, TO AMERICA!** " roared Garfield, using his powers to grow sixty two thousand feet tall.

TO BE CONTINUED…

 _Note: Ok that became extremely ridiculous and random. This is beginning to look like a story by "MYHEARTFEELSDEADINSIDE". If you don't know who that person is, search him up on the fanfiction website._


	3. The World

_Well. Here we are back to this stupid story. I have no idea why I'm continuing this._

Garfield stomped over to America, where the president was building a wall. " **ITALIAN FOOD IS BETTER THAN MEXICAN FOOD!** " he shouted, before stomping all the people protesting about the wall. "Gee thanks!" the president said happily. " **SHUT UP SHITHEAD!** " screamed Garfield, doing an enormous diarrhea that propelled him through the wall and sending him screeching into numerous buildings. Jon arrived in a jetpack, somehow still alive. "GARFIEEEEEELD!" he screamed into his megaphone. "YOUR DIARRHEA JUST DESTROYED CHINA!" Jon shouted as hard as he could into Garfield's ear. " **WHO CARES?** " boomed Garfield. " **WHAT DID CHINA EVER DO TO ME?** "

"DON'T YOU KNOW YOU STUPID CAT?" yelled Jon. "CHINA MAKES EVERYTHING! THEY MADE YOUR FOOD, OUR HOUSE, YOUR LIMITED EDITION ZELDA 3DS… EVERYTHING!"  
Garfield put on a face to show that he didn't give a shit at all, so Jon activated his ultimate trump card. "Including Pookie!" he whispered into Garfield's ear. Immediately, the sixty two thousand foot tall giant cat snapped his head around to look at Jon with big Puss n' Boots eyes. " **P-P-P-POOOOOKIEEEEEEEE?** " he screamed. "Yeah man" Jon sighed. Unfortunately, this didn't defeat the cat. It only made him angrier. " **LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGGGGGGGGGGG!** " Garfield screeched like an owl on steroids, before being shot at by fighter jets.

" **SHIT!** " shouted Garfield, punching at the jets with his massive hands. " **SCREW YOU BLASTED AMERICAN FIGHTER JETS!** " Garfield roared, sending out a massive energy blast from his mouth that destroyed Texas. "GARFIEEEEEEEEELD!" shouted Jon. "YOU JUST DESTROYED TEXAS!" Garfield grabbed Jon and stared at him while crushing a fighter jet in his bare hands. " **NO. BODY. CAAAAAAAAAAAAAARES!** " he screamed, blowing off Jon's head with a disintegration blast from his mouth. Jon was reduced to a burned husk, but he still managed to croak out, "Yeah. Texas sucks and isn't important!"

The fighter jets continued to pester the giant cat by shooting him with their missile launchers, and Garfield was getting VERY annoyed. " **SHIT DAMMIT!** " he roared. " **I HAVE TO POWER UP!** " Garfield kicked open a nearby volcano, jumped in and drank all the lava, growing five hundred and twenty one thousand feet tall (Don't ask how he did it, he just did). Using his red-hot claws to scoop up slop he had melted when he jumped into the volcano, the gargantuan feline threw a super-heated gunk of tar at the fighter jet swarm harder than that metal guy threw that guy with the claws at the giant robot in that one X-men movie.

The jets scattered, although a couple were hit by the melted tar and fell through the air at supersonic speeds, exploding and destroying a couple of buildings. Garfield grabbed Jon (who was still alive, for some reason) and used him as a fly-swatter to destroy most of the jet swarm. "GARFIEEEEEEEELD!" Jon shrieked, "STOP USING ME AS A FLY SWATTER TO KILL THESE FIGHTER-" his voice went silent as Garfield used him to slice open the Jumbo jet that happened to be there.

After destroying the fighter jet swarm, Garfield decided that if Pookie didn't exist, life wasn't worth living. Using Jon as a shovel, Garfield dug into the ground, throwing hundreds of tons of dirt, rock, and assorted gems aside to go straight down. "GAR- (cough) GARRrrrgak gak (splutter) garfielld!?" Jon gasped, disintegrated, incinerated, atomised, but STILL alive, "If you don't GAK-(cough) stop digging into the (SPLUT) rock, no lasagne tonight! Where the fu-(splutter) gak-gak-(cough) are you even (vomit) going?" Garfield didn't answer. Instead he screamed, shovelled, and incinerated the rest of the dirt, rock and minerals till he plunged into the centre of the earth at such a force that he made it explode, destroying the world and sending him flying at the speed of light into the sun.

"GARFIEEEEEEEEEEEEEELD!" shrieked Jon, somehow being able to talk in the vacuum of space. " **THIS IS YOUR FAULT JOOOOOOOOOON!** " screamed Garfield as they flew toward the giant star. "MY FAULT? HOW IS IT MY FAULT?" yelled Jon. " **YOU TOOK POOKIE FROM MEEEEEEEEEEE!** " Garfield roared back.  
"WHAT THE CRAP DO YOU MEAN? POOKIE'S IN THE WASHING MACHINE! YOU LEFT HIM THERE LAST NIGHT!"  
Garfield was astounded. " **SO… All this time I've been** angry for nothing?" his voice returned to normal. "Yeah!" Jon said. "COME 'ERE!" Garfield grinned hugging and accidently crushing Jon to death. Jon put both middle fingers up and Garfield suddenly remembered that they were flying toward the sun. " **ARGHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIT! THIS IS YOUR FAULT JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!** " he screamed.

TO BE CONTINUED… SOMEHOW… I DON'T KNOW HOW I'LL DO IT… BUT SOMEHOW!


	4. The Walmart

One week later, Jon, Garfield, and Odie were watching TV in their new apartment while their old house was being rebuilt. "Hey, did you remember to take Pookie out of the wash today?" Jon asked Garfield. "I'll do it now" Garfield grunted, waddling over to the washing machine. He opened the door, and a wave of fluff poured out. "P-P-P-POOOOOOOKIEEEE!" screamed Garfield. Jon face-palmed. "Oh shit. Not again!"

Garfield ran into the room, holding a clump of decapitated felt and fluff, screaming his head off. "It's okay! It's okay!" Jon cried. "We can just buy a new one." Conveniently, the TV displayed an advertisement, with some guy screaming the words out for some reason. "INTRODUCING THE NEW POOKIE MK II! CUDDLIER THAN THE MK I, FLUFFIER, SHOOTS LASERS QUICKER, INJECTS RAGE-INDUCING CHEMICALS INTO THE BODY FASTER! GET IT TODAY AT WALMART FOR ONLY $67.62!"  
"OH SHIT!" screeched Garfield, waving his arms around like a demented chicken. "JON JON JON JON JON JON JON JON JON JON JOOOOOOOOOOOON!"  
"SHUT UP GARFIELD!" yelled Jon. "ODIE AND I ARE WATCHING NUMBERJACKS!"

"GET ME A POOKIE MK II!" yelled Garfield. "NO!" bellowed Jon. "YEEES!" screamed Garfield. "NOOO!"  
"YESS!"  
It went on for about 5 minutes, until even Odie started to think "Man can this get any more repetitive?" Eventually, Jon gave in. "FINE! But it's coming out of your credit card!"  
"I don't have a credit card!"  
"Exactly. That's why you're going to have to unclog the toilet every day for the next six years!"  
Garfield hesitated, because those toilets hadn't been unclogged since 1978 and were pretty disgusting. But he agreed to do it. For Pookie.

On the way to the nearest Walmart, Jon had 3 flat tires, smashed into 6 cars, ran over a monster truck, started a big fight with the police officer that gave him a fine, and busted himself out of jail, before arriving at Walmart at 9:00 pm. "There's an old lady in the gas pipe" Garfield told Jon. "Shut up." Jon grunted. "Let's just get the Pookie MK II and go home." Garfield selected a particularly cuddly one, and Jon walked over to the checkout. "Yeah, just one of these" he said scratching his head.

5 seconds later, Garfield and the cashier were beating each other up with claws and screeches of fury. "NERMAL!" Garfield screeched. It was true. Nermal, the world's cutest kitten was working at Walmart! "I'M GONNA SHOVE YOU INTO A TRIPLE LOCKED METAL CRATE AND SEND YOU TO ABU DHABAI!" Garfield screamed. "CRAP, SHIT AND SPAM APON YOU GARFIELD YOU SHITLORD!" Nermal screamed back. Garfield started to grow to his sixty-two thousand foot form so he could CRUSH Nermal, but Jon hit him unconscious with a giant wooden hammer. "GARFIELD I'M NOT SPENDING SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY FOUR DOLLARS ON ANOTHER VET FEE!" Jon yelled.

Garfield woke to Jon holding an assault rifle to his face, in a straitjacket. "JOOOOOOOOOON! UN-STRAITJACKET ME THIS INSTANT SO I CAN SMOOSH NERMAL INTO A PUDDLE OF JELLY!" Garfield screeched. Jon did not even flinch. "Garfield. I will only cut you out of the straitjacket if you promise not to destroy any buildings or kill any people ok?"

Garfield nodded, putting on his Puss n' Boots eyes. Jon slowly cut the straitjacket off, and Garfield stepped out… before growing several hundred kilometers tall. Jon didn't even have time to shout "GARFIEEEEELD!" as he was instantly crushed to death by Garfield's sudden growth to gargantuan size. " **NERMAL ISN'T A PERSON OR A BUILDING!** " the cat screamed. He grabbed Nermal and threw him into a nearby building before crushing him with his foot. Garfield roared with victory and pounded his chest before a bolt of thunder struck him and sent him flying. Nermal reappeared as a giant, dealing dozens of atomic punches (and I do mean ATOMIC) to Garfield before kicking him into the Walmart and burning it to the ground. "EAT THAT!" laughed Nermal.


	5. The Universe

Nermal pummeled Garfield to the ground with his massive fists, scooping chunks of the destroyed Walmart and throwing them at him. Garfield had never faced pain like that before, it was like being faced with a close-range mortar attack. Nermal stomped Garfield to the ground, before kicking him into the next paragraph. Nermal looked at the giant tear in the story where Garfield had been flung into and grinned, roaring like a lion…

…before being hit at the back of his head by Garfield at supersonic speed. Nermal screeched like a dying duck as all the wind was knocked from him. Garfield got his second wind, and grew to his giant form. " **NERMAL YOU ASSHOLE!"** Garfield boomed, jumping on Nermal's stomach like a trampoline. " **I. HATE. YOU. SO. MUCH!** " screamed Nermal, in between his ribs being crushed. Jon walked up to the two titans. "What the hell?" he cried. "GARFIEEEEELD! WE AREN'T IN JAPAN! STOP FIGHTING NERMAL!" Garfield gave a mighty kick, and flung Jon a few hundred thousand kilometers away into Tokyo. " **NOT NOW JON!** " he screeched, even though Jon couldn't possibly hear him from there. " **GO ANNOY SOMEONE ELSE!** "

In the time Garfield took to say that, Nermal had recovered and formed a new plan of attack. Shrinking down and multiplying into millions of versions of himself, the army of Nermals crawled over to the enormous Garfield and started slashing at him with their teeth. " **HOLY SHIT!** " screamed Garfield, grabbing an enormous can of bug-spray out of nowhere and spraying the army of Nermals. It was no use. Every time he killed a Nermal, it would melt and two smaller Nermals would appear and continue the onslaught. " **YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE NERMAL YOU ASSHAT!** " Garfield roared, " **I GOTTA USE MY TRUMP CARD!** "

Garfield held his hands together and used his mighty will to form together a ball of plasma between his fingertips. Don't ask how, he just did. Garfield grunted with concentration as the Nermals swarmed around his entire body, beating him with their tiny fists and gnashing at him with their teeth. Soon, he was covered in a layer of miniature cats. Then the Nermals stopped. "Oh shit!" they squeaked and attempted to escape, but it was too late. They had covered Garfield's body so much that they were entangled with each other. A small beam of pure plasma, light, anger, and sass burst out of the layer of Nermals. Then another. And another. Then sixty more beams pierced out of the ball of squirming Nermals, before the entire group exploded and disintegrated with a flash of light that incinerated everything in a 30 mile radius.

Garfield arose from the carnage, coated in plasma, his fur glowing blue and sticking up like an anime character for some reason. One regular-sized Nermal stood alone, coated in the ashes of his fallen comrades. " **GET READY TO SUFFER HELL IN ABU DHABI, NERMAL YOU LINT COLLECTER!** " Garfield screamed. Nermal looked at Garfield, defiant to the bitter end. Garfield readied up his Super Mega Ultra Plasma Anime Rumble God Blast by screaming, something that's in anime logic. He fired it at Nermal, and six billion psi's worth of pressure beamed toward his face at faster-than-light speed. Nermal prepared for death, seeing his life flash around his eyes…

Until Odie jumped into the way of the blast, slamming into Nermal, absorbing the full force of the plasma beam. "Odie?" Garfield gasped. Odie held two signs up in his hands, one with a middle finger drawn on it, the other reading:  
"Stop fighting you guys! This story is getting old and also, the end is near!" before dying. " **ODIEEEEEEEE!** " Garfield screeched before he and Nermal turned their heads to the sky.

Jon was riding a giant firework attached to 600 nuclear-ballistic missile with 60,000 tons of TNT and 5 full gas tanks, screaming his head off. "GARFIEEEEEELD!" he screamed. "THE JAPANESE AND THE TEXANS FROM CHAPTER 3 SEND THEIR REGARDS!" before throwing the last remaining Pookie Mk II from the Walmart in front of him. The resulting explosion incinerated everything in a 3000 mile radius, made an enormous crater in the Earth, sent soot and ash everywhere so it covered the sun, plunged the world into a nuclear winter, and _definitely_ destroyed Pookie. Garfield and Jon were flung once again, into the sun. " **DAMMIT JOOOOOOOON!** " Garfield screeched. " **THIS IS ALL YOUR FAUULLLLTTTTT!** "  
Jon and Garfield were flung into the sun and boomeranged back from Jupiter's gravity to earth, on fire and screaming. The surviving people of Earth looked up, thankful for surviving till they saw the enormous methane-filled fireball screaming toward them. The fireball destroyed the part of the Earth that was still remaining, and caused an explosion that destroyed the Universe.

TO BE CONTINUED?

 _Probably not, since this idea is getting old. But maybe if I get enough ideas._


End file.
